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1. No hope:

20 years ago we had Johnny Cash Bob Hope and Steve Jobs Now we have no Cash No Hope and no Jobs

Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die!

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Source unknown. Dec. 2014 - 1 of 10

2. Nemo:

When people go underwater in scary movies I like to hold my breath and see If I would have survived that situation.

I almost died in Finding Nemo ...

Source unknown. Dec. 2014 - 2 0f 10


3. Early Christmas shopping:

The judge asked the defendant: "What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early." Was the reply "That not illegal!. How early were you shopping?"

"Before the store was open."

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Source unknown. Dec. 2014 - 3 0f 10

4. Pet fish:

"$500 is fine for fishing here, Didn't you see the sign." Said the officer.

"These are my pet fish." Said the man "Your pet fish?" Questioned the officer

"Yes, I place them in the bucket of water for a while then back in the lake with this net, they like that I'll show you." Said the man.

"OK, go ahead! Catch back your pet fish." The man looked at the officer and asked.

"What fish?"

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Source unknown. Dec. 2014 - 4 of 10

5. Funeral Procession

Hank was amazed at the length of the funeral procession going down Main Street. Watching awhile he observed that the cortege consisted entirely of men.

It was led by a man holding a Doberman. His curiosity got the best of him and walked up to the man at the front of the line.

"Excuse me for interrupting you in your time of grief." Said Hank, politely. "But I've never seen such a funeral procession. Would you mind telling me who it's for?" "It's for my mother-in-law." Explained the mourner. Tightening the leash, he gestured down at the dog and said. "My Doberman here killed her."

"Gee, that's terrible." Commiserated Hank "But hmmm....is there any way you could lend me your dog for a day or so?"

The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder and answered, "Get in line!" ........................................................................

Source unknown. Dec. 2014 - 5 0f 10

6. Dear Jesus

A little boy wants a bike for Christmas really badly, but the kid is a real bad seed, and he knows it. He writes a letter to Jesus. "Dear Jesus, if I get a bike for Christmas, I'll be good for a whole week."

He thinks about it, crosses out what he wrote, and says, "I can't be good for a whole week, I'll be good for five days." He crosses that out and writes, "I'll be good for four days."

Then he thinks again and says, "Can't do that." He gets down to one day and says, "I can't even be good for a day."

Then in frustration, goes in his mother's room and get the statue of the Virgin Mary, wraps it up in a blanket, puts it in a paper bag, throws it in the closet and says.

"Dear Jesus, if I don't get a bike for Christmas, you'll never see your mother again!"

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Source unknown. Dec. 2014 - 6 0f 10

7. Six months to live

Doctor gave man six months to live, He was unable to pay the bill.

Doctor gave him six more

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Source unknown. Dec. 2014 - 7 0f 10

8. 7th Grade teacher

As a 7th grade biology teacher, I was teaching my class about the flow of blood in the body.

After my lecture I asked the class the following: “Why is it that if I would turn upside down, my face would turn red since the blood would flow to my head, but when I stand upright my feet don’t turn red?”

I was taken aback when a boy blurted out, “that’s cuz your feet aint empty!.”

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Source: greatcleanjokes.com. Dec. 2014 - 8 0f 10

9. Deer for dinner

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said.

"Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes."

The little girl screamed to her brother. "Don't eat it. Its an asshole!"

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Source: laughfactory.com. 9 of 10 - Dec. 29, 2014

10. The Lawyer

Lawyer humor: As the lawyer awoke from surgery, he asked, "Why are all the blinds drawn?"

The nurse answered, "There's a fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you had died."

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Source: lawyersweekly.com. Dec. 2014 - 10 of 10

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